"Moody tends to see through the things that fool others," said Lupin, shooting her an almost secretive smile.
Being in 'this situation' again… what: jobless, rejected, semi-exiled; from the miracle of finding not only that he was good at something, but that it was a good thing, a service, something truly decent for others in the world, and it was something he could give and connect in ways he never thought he'd have at all or again, beyond fantasy and fascination fulfilled, after all that loss and nothingness, and it was all gone because he'd blown it…
Undeniably, it was a little softened yes by having a community and a purpose this time rather than the years of chill nothingness, actual absolute hermitism, nothing but his loss and shock and finally finding a way to serve others but only invisibly so they'd never know he was there;
but— 'this situation' could also mean at war, needing to spy, embed with people most vehemently and violently the exact inverse of his own values and identity (deify the abandon of the wolf, vilify the caring of the wizards), and so taking him away from those he most would wish to be with but can't complain because it's those he also wants to serve and protect so how can he protest or resent that this is how he can do so best… but he does resent and is eaten alive by it so the self-hatred goes 'round and 'round…
He's not going to touch that one with a ten-foot wand.
The other question, though…
"See… Sirius, again?" He chooses that one because he can look her in the eye and feel his mouth curve, and though it's a slight smile, it's a fully, genuinely warm one. "It's only difficult seeing him go stir-crazy and only being able to help so far. But for me… That Halloween… It wasn't just losing those friends, that family, in the present and future. It was losing our shared past, as well. Our only explanation for what happened could not be reconciled with my experience of these people and where our lives intersected. So my experience had been wrong. Sirius must never have been who I thought he was, and that shared time of our lives must also have been a lie. And since that time had meant… everything to me… It was loss upon loss, each alone already immeasurable.
"It doesn't make the loss of Lily and James any more bearable. But to finally have the truth, and to have Sirius as I knew he'd really been, that past, for all of us, restored… The tragedy that it did not break it to have this be true of…" He still couldn't speak Peter's name… "But no. It's not difficult to have Sirius back. In the present or in the past. I'm furious at so much of how it happened… can't help wondering if things could have been changed, if I could have changed them… but so many more powerful forces and figures were involved… and now, finally, my gratitude is greater than my anger. I can actually do as I would wish; I can have this gift of more time with Sirius and not lose it to resenting having lost other time. …That is a much, much longer and… more laden answer than you were probably after for someone you barely know."
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2022-10-10 11:27 pm (UTC)Being in 'this situation' again… what: jobless, rejected, semi-exiled; from the miracle of finding not only that he was good at something, but that it was a good thing, a service, something truly decent for others in the world, and it was something he could give and connect in ways he never thought he'd have at all or again, beyond fantasy and fascination fulfilled, after all that loss and nothingness, and it was all gone because he'd blown it…
Undeniably, it was a little softened yes by having a community and a purpose this time rather than the years of chill nothingness, actual absolute hermitism, nothing but his loss and shock and finally finding a way to serve others but only invisibly so they'd never know he was there;
but— 'this situation' could also mean at war, needing to spy, embed with people most vehemently and violently the exact inverse of his own values and identity (deify the abandon of the wolf, vilify the caring of the wizards), and so taking him away from those he most would wish to be with but can't complain because it's those he also wants to serve and protect so how can he protest or resent that this is how he can do so best… but he does resent and is eaten alive by it so the self-hatred goes 'round and 'round…
He's not going to touch that one with a ten-foot wand.
The other question, though…
"See… Sirius, again?" He chooses that one because he can look her in the eye and feel his mouth curve, and though it's a slight smile, it's a fully, genuinely warm one. "It's only difficult seeing him go stir-crazy and only being able to help so far. But for me… That Halloween… It wasn't just losing those friends, that family, in the present and future. It was losing our shared past, as well. Our only explanation for what happened could not be reconciled with my experience of these people and where our lives intersected. So my experience had been wrong. Sirius must never have been who I thought he was, and that shared time of our lives must also have been a lie. And since that time had meant… everything to me… It was loss upon loss, each alone already immeasurable.
"It doesn't make the loss of Lily and James any more bearable. But to finally have the truth, and to have Sirius as I knew he'd really been, that past, for all of us, restored… The tragedy that it did not break it to have this be true of…" He still couldn't speak Peter's name… "But no. It's not difficult to have Sirius back. In the present or in the past. I'm furious at so much of how it happened… can't help wondering if things could have been changed, if I could have changed them… but so many more powerful forces and figures were involved… and now, finally, my gratitude is greater than my anger. I can actually do as I would wish; I can have this gift of more time with Sirius and not lose it to resenting having lost other time. …That is a much, much longer and… more laden answer than you were probably after for someone you barely know."