Her fingers move without thought, pushing quietly through his hair as she chews on her lip. Again, the thought strikes her of how unfair so many things are. How many things could be, should be, changed.
The bedknob takes its cues once more, not from what is said, not even from what might be wanted, but from what might be needed. As Tonks sits there as if protecting the curled-up man, the scenery changes like a gaussian blur. From one kitchen, cozy even with its sad news, to one bigger in size but less warm.
At the small table is Tonks' relatively recent past and Remus' mildly-distant future, both sitting at the table and chatting. Remus stumbles in his chair and Tonks reaches out to steady it with a cheeky smile and remark. But the volume is only turned up after that, with a question posed.
"Is it difficult? Being in this situation again? Seeing him again?"
"See… Sirius, again?" He chooses that one because he can look her in the eye and feel his mouth curve, and though it's a slight smile, it's a fully, genuinely warm one. "It's only difficult seeing him go stir-crazy and only being able to help so far. But for me… That Halloween… It wasn't just losing those friends, that family, in the present and future. It was losing our shared past, as well. Our only explanation for what happened could not be reconciled with my experience of these people and where our lives intersected. So my experience had been wrong. Sirius must never have been who I thought he was, and that shared time of our lives must also have been a lie. And since that time had meant… everything to me… It was loss upon loss, each alone already immeasurable.
"It doesn't make the loss of Lily and James any more bearable. But to finally have the truth, and to have Sirius as I knew he'd really been, that past, for all of us, restored… The tragedy that it did not break it to have this be true of…" He still couldn't speak Peter's name… "But no. It's not difficult to have Sirius back. In the present or in the past. I'm furious at so much of how it happened… can't help wondering if things could have been changed, if I could have changed them… but so many more powerful forces and figures were involved… and now, finally, my gratitude is greater than my anger. I can actually do as I would wish; I can have this gift of more time with Sirius and not lose it to resenting having lost other time. …That is a much, much longer and… more laden answer than you were probably after for someone you barely know."
The Tonks sitting on the bed watches their future and past selves, listening to those words with a different point of view now. It's never enough time, even at that moment when they thought they could finally make up for all the years lost.
It won't be enough. And the pieces of the past have no idea.
no subject
The bedknob takes its cues once more, not from what is said, not even from what might be wanted, but from what might be needed. As Tonks sits there as if protecting the curled-up man, the scenery changes like a gaussian blur. From one kitchen, cozy even with its sad news, to one bigger in size but less warm.
At the small table is Tonks' relatively recent past and Remus' mildly-distant future, both sitting at the table and chatting. Remus stumbles in his chair and Tonks reaches out to steady it with a cheeky smile and remark. But the volume is only turned up after that, with a question posed.
"Is it difficult? Being in this situation again? Seeing him again?"
"See… Sirius, again?" He chooses that one because he can look her in the eye and feel his mouth curve, and though it's a slight smile, it's a fully, genuinely warm one. "It's only difficult seeing him go stir-crazy and only being able to help so far. But for me… That Halloween… It wasn't just losing those friends, that family, in the present and future. It was losing our shared past, as well. Our only explanation for what happened could not be reconciled with my experience of these people and where our lives intersected. So my experience had been wrong. Sirius must never have been who I thought he was, and that shared time of our lives must also have been a lie. And since that time had meant… everything to me… It was loss upon loss, each alone already immeasurable.
"It doesn't make the loss of Lily and James any more bearable. But to finally have the truth, and to have Sirius as I knew he'd really been, that past, for all of us, restored… The tragedy that it did not break it to have this be true of…" He still couldn't speak Peter's name… "But no. It's not difficult to have Sirius back. In the present or in the past. I'm furious at so much of how it happened… can't help wondering if things could have been changed, if I could have changed them… but so many more powerful forces and figures were involved… and now, finally, my gratitude is greater than my anger. I can actually do as I would wish; I can have this gift of more time with Sirius and not lose it to resenting having lost other time. …That is a much, much longer and… more laden answer than you were probably after for someone you barely know."
The Tonks sitting on the bed watches their future and past selves, listening to those words with a different point of view now. It's never enough time, even at that moment when they thought they could finally make up for all the years lost.
It won't be enough. And the pieces of the past have no idea.