(no subject)

[metamorphical]

Continued from here

"I'll remember."

It is a nice thought, but Tonks doesn't know how this sort of magic works. So she won't blame him if he thinks it a weird dream and forgets. But her? She hopes to remember too. And hopes that what she's learned will help her understand. Whatever the outcome.

"Obviously. How could you forget me?" She asks cheekily, grinning as she grabs the bedknob and his hand. The former is pocketed and the latter is squeezed gently. She motions her head toward the door then, signaling that they should get going.

Before they do though, Tonks disappears for just a minute, grabbing a napkin and pen (some Muggle inventions do have a one up on Wizarding techniques), and scribbles something down on it. She pockets that as well, something to give a little later, and pops back beside Remus with a smile.

"I've had a really good time. Thank you."

Comments

Psh!! No worries!!

[metamorphical]

At first, she thinks he means the child version of herself, who was unable to wrap still black-and-white thinking with the concept of Sirius being a Bad Guy. So she shrugs with a wry uptilt of her mouth, “Stubborn is all.” But then Remus finishes his thought and she nods.

“You find out first, actually.” Tonks pauses for a moment, then adds, “About Pettigrew, too. Something about a map?” Sadly, the infamous Map had stayed dormant in Filch’s office for most of Tonks’ school career.

<3 <3 <3 !

[lumenrelegandus]

"When I do…" His mouth went dry. He didn't know how much he could ask… Is it too late, is Sirius still alive, is the wrong made right, how could it possibly be…

"The way you're traveling," he said suddenly. "Can you take me back? Can I prevent all of this?"

Nevermind all the Theory of Magic he studied at school, the Philosophy of Magic, and the muggle time travel literature he'd absorbed as a child. The idea that always stopped him from fantasising about changing anything were not the usual ones: fear of paradox or divergence or any of those. What drew him up short was the fundamental selfishness of it. How did one choose… going back to change a tragedy in one's own life but not trying to change bigger tragedies in the world, for others… while in so doing essentially committing genocide of all the people who would subsequently never be born into the changed world… plus the Playing Divinity thing, one small mortal brain trying to anticipate all the causalities which likely wouldn't be less tragic and tangled than the first. Anything burnt to the ground would still need to grow and be worked on, just like what came before.

He fisted his hands and pressed his knuckles to his closed eyes.

"Don't answer that," he whispered. "I'm sorry."

The last words as much to them as to her. "Oh god oh god I'm sorry I'm sorry."

The Map. What had become of the Map… he'd lost track… he thought one of them must surely have kept it, or maybe passed it along like they'd casually suggested before graduating… last he remembered, Filch had confiscated it but they'd never have left it languishing in a drawer, they'd raided Filch's desk many times.

…But the other way to look at time travel was that it had already happened. Tonks had just read ahead. She was doing him this great favour of telling him… he'd live and it would get better. Don't ruin it with selfishness.

All he could do now was… survive.

He didn't want to survive. He wanted to go with them.

Remus was kneeling on the floor. He had no memory of getting there. From there, he let his hands fall again in his lap.

"I was in love with Lily," he muttered confession. "I never told anyone, though Sirius plainly could tell. But big deal… most of our class was in love with her. I just… maybe was… in different love with James too. I'd never get in the way. Actually, she told me once she never would have given him a chance if we hadn't been mutual friends. I tried to help them. I tried to help everyone and never did good to anyone…"

He looked up at her again. "Can you get me out of here?" he begged. "Out of this moment?"

[metamorphical]

“I don’t know.” She answers honestly, even if he says not to, because she feels that she should. She glances about themselves then focuses on the object with a mind of its own. “It started with just a wish for a small holiday and companionship.” And has grown by its own accord into something beautiful and tragic and frustrating. While Remus’ thoughts of time travel selfishness may feel fleeting or random to him, similar thoughts haven’t left Tonks’ own mind the entire time. She supposes that’s the danger of being able to view one’s travels linearly.

Too, as she has already acted upon impulse and attempted to change things, she supposes that there are certain things that little bedknobs and witches can’t change. Things put in place for reasons beyond her understanding. “It’s all a bit fucked up, innit?” She asks quietly, more to herself than to her friend. “What’s the point if we can’t--?” But then she trails off, half because there’s no good coming from that line of thought and half to listen, and shakes her head. “I don’t think that’s true. I think you’ve done as good as the world’s allowed you to.”

As for getting out of here, Tonks crawls over the side of the bed and offers her hand to help him back up as well. “What do you think? Some beach in Greece might be lovely this time of…time.” Since seasons and years don’t exactly matter.

[lumenrelegandus]

He opened his mouth to answer.

He closed it again.

Going somewhere beautiful wouldn't get him out of here. He'd still be here in his mind.

Only going back and seeing them again. But he'd know what was in store.

Going forward? Seeing Sirius's name cleared? But what happened to Sirius himself?

Remus stared at nothing. Then he doubled over, curled on himself like a wounded animal, and pressed his hands over his face in her lap.

[metamorphical]

Her fingers move without thought, pushing quietly through his hair as she chews on her lip. Again, the thought strikes her of how unfair so many things are. How many things could be, should be, changed.

The bedknob takes its cues once more, not from what is said, not even from what might be wanted, but from what might be needed. As Tonks sits there as if protecting the curled-up man, the scenery changes like a gaussian blur. From one kitchen, cozy even with its sad news, to one bigger in size but less warm.

At the small table is Tonks' relatively recent past and Remus' mildly-distant future, both sitting at the table and chatting. Remus stumbles in his chair and Tonks reaches out to steady it with a cheeky smile and remark. But the volume is only turned up after that, with a question posed.

"Is it difficult? Being in this situation again? Seeing him again?"

"See… Sirius, again?" He chooses that one because he can look her in the eye and feel his mouth curve, and though it's a slight smile, it's a fully, genuinely warm one. "It's only difficult seeing him go stir-crazy and only being able to help so far. But for me… That Halloween… It wasn't just losing those friends, that family, in the present and future. It was losing our shared past, as well. Our only explanation for what happened could not be reconciled with my experience of these people and where our lives intersected. So my experience had been wrong. Sirius must never have been who I thought he was, and that shared time of our lives must also have been a lie. And since that time had meant… everything to me… It was loss upon loss, each alone already immeasurable.

"It doesn't make the loss of Lily and James any more bearable. But to finally have the truth, and to have Sirius as I knew he'd really been, that past, for all of us, restored… The tragedy that it did not break it to have this be true of…" He still couldn't speak Peter's name… "But no. It's not difficult to have Sirius back. In the present or in the past. I'm furious at so much of how it happened… can't help wondering if things could have been changed, if I could have changed them… but so many more powerful forces and figures were involved… and now, finally, my gratitude is greater than my anger. I can actually do as I would wish; I can have this gift of more time with Sirius and not lose it to resenting having lost other time. …That is a much, much longer and… more laden answer than you were probably after for someone you barely know."

The Tonks sitting on the bed watches their future and past selves, listening to those words with a different point of view now. It's never enough time, even at that moment when they thought they could finally make up for all the years lost.

It won't be enough. And the pieces of the past have no idea.

[lumenrelegandus]

Remus!now had sat up at the voices and now stared at her choice of destination, to show him them!then. He watched wide-eyed, like a wolf, but for the first time, like a wolf cub. Without seeming to notice, he was gripping her hand, like an anchor to reality; this wasn't a dream. He recognised 12 Grimmauld, he recognised Tonks herself. He could not recognise the man he would become. Signifiers, yes: the scars most obviously, the camouflaging dress sense (originally necessitated by being whatever hand-me-downs McGonagall could provide him, but continued in order to be the polar opposite to the wolf) sure. But that calmness, that centredness, that maturity, what he was saying…

But it was him.

Tonks was a genius. She had taken him far away from here. If only by showing him how far he'd go.

And that, by context: yes, he would get to be with Sirius again.

Now!Remus blinked, blinked again, discovered the tears in his eyes he was failing to blink away, turned to Tonks, found himself capable of part of a smile.

"If it leads here," he said softly, "then I can go back. I can get through it. …If you promise to visit me again on the way."



[OOC: He could even help her for a scene! <3 [

[metamorphical]

She looks over then, a smile slowly tugging a corner of her mouth in return, and tugs gently on the fingers still in her own. “I certainly promise I’ll try.” How that would work, Tonks has no idea, but suspects – now more than ever -- that magic has a way of surprising even its most seasoned of users.

Turning back to the other versions of themselves, she grins a little as she watches them. “I mean, it was right this moment that I decided you’d be fairly hard pressed to get rid of me at any rate. Can’t disappoint my past self, can I?” Tonks asks with lifted eyebrows.

They don’t linger in Grimmauld for long, the bed instead whisking them away for another small adventure. It’s Hogsmeade mid-spring, with the sun shining and people bustling about in the village. A good number of those people are, admittedly, students from Hogwarts, all laughing and moving about the area in that loud way that teenagers tend to be.

Tonks looks confused, but entertained at the current choice. And as she doesn’t see any version of Remus immediately, she assumes that it’s a small break. A reprieve from the harsher parts of their lives and an opportunity again to just be, similar to the beginning of their travels. “Wanna have a go?” She grins again, motioning with her head toward the hustle and bustle.

Her companion doesn’t fully get a choice in the matter, since she’s scrambling up and tugging him off the bed to have a nice bit of a walk. “C’mon then. I’ll show you my favourite spot back when I was younger.”

[Oh we’re getting there! :D]

[lumenrelegandus]

The magic was transportation. Inside and out. Suddenly the gravity well inside him had calmed. It wasn't unbearable to exist. There was distance, as if he'd lived with it a long time and survived.

Thank God thank you thank you thank you thank you

Able again to breathe, Remus takes a moment, closed eyes to the sky, to feel the sun. It feels like it's been years—and in a way it has. Then he turns to the other, still brighter light: Tonks's eyes. If he can't quite smile, his expression is… less not that. And he returns the grip of her hand with relief, following her off the bed and wherever she'll lead.

[metamorphical]

As they walk, Tonks vacillates between idle talk and companionable silence, keeping their air between them light enough to continue to be able to breathe.

The students running amok don't pay the older duo much mind, running past them with bravado talk of going up to the old shack and knocking on the door. Tonks chortles softly, remembering when she and her friends did the same, but glances over briefly at Remus. The shack takes on an even more different connotation now.

What Tonks does not notice is that the students running past would be at least vaguely familiar if she paid attention. Instead, she steers them toward a less well-beaten path, away from the village as well as the Shrieking Shack.

Up ahead is a little grove covered by treed and their newly blooming leaves, bright green, and little buds of flowers in various colors. "I liked the colours--" Tonks starts to explain, but stops mid-thought. Someone is already up ahead in that little area, a student by the look of things.

And by the visibly bright pink hair, it's a student that she knows all too well.

Tonks pauses, obviously having not expected to see her younger self there. The younger Tonks has her wand out and is practicing a spell, but then acts in a frustrated manner when it doesn't come to fruition.

"I was trying to teach myself the Patronus charm." The older one recalls. "I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it. That I wasn't like..them."

[lumenrelegandus]

[OOC: I do that AAAAALL the time. Happy New Year!!!]

Seeing the younger Tonks puts a feeling in Remus's chest he's not sure he's felt before. A bursting swirl of… many good things at once. Relief that he's not going to run into himself (or the others)… delight at her at any age… recognition of his favourite magick and wishing he could help her, but he'd rather stay with this Tonks so no good, but it's still fun to watch.

"I'm sure you'll get it," he said, then instantly abashed. That was for her to tell him. Just hard not to fall into tutoring mode, especially for that charm.

[metamorphical]

"It takes me a while," she admits with a small and wry smile. "Half of my frustration is that I know I've had a good life..happy memories..but I just worry, you know?"

The teenager that they're watching takes a breath and starts talking to herself, though it's too quiet to hear. Tonks shakes her head a bit and looks over.

"As much as I love my weirdness, it's still lonely. And scary sometimes."

[lumenrelegandus]

Remus nodded. "Whenever things were good was when I got the most terrified of losing them. Sirius—" Starts to stop himself, then stops himself stopping himself. Timelines overlapping; but with her, the correction was made; Sirius remained who he thought he'd been, the ally and friend. "—he'd try to get me to 'enjoy them while they lasted', and I agreed in theory, but tell that to how it feels."

To the latter, he couldn't help saying, "Someone in the muggle world said, 'The only 'normal' people are the ones you don't know'. I don't know how to define 'weird' in anyone compared to anyone else. I know what you mean about how scary and lonely. I don't mean to underrate that. But for whatever it's worth, I like yours so much more than most." Without stopping to overthink: "Maybe anyone's."